No One Way To Be A Man
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Responsible (for both intended and unintended consequences of his actions) I am responsible for the shuttle service required to get my children to and from their activities. My wife makes sure their lives are filled with these incredible experiences, but I am usually the one who makes sure that they actually […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Engaged (by courageous acts of self-discovery) I met my wife in the cafeteria of a newly constructed dorm on the University of Denver campus in the late summer of 2002. I overheard her and her friends asking about vegetarian options, and I made a mental note about it as I paid […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Conscious (of bias within himself) I remember the exact moment when I became aware of race. I was probably 3 or 4 years old, standing in the checkout line with my mother at a discount grocery store. The clerk was a dark-skinned black woman. And as I watched her scan the […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Loving (in the open and in private) I have always struggled to be one person within our home and another person outside of it. It feels wrong to put on a brave face for the world when I’m in conflict with the most important people in my life. It chafes at […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Introspective (often, and without provocation) Who is the you that thinks your thoughts? The one that listens and processes information. Who is the you that acts and reacts to the world around you? The you that makes meaning and forms relationships. I often imagine that me as a little man inside […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Patient (with time and attention) I may be one of the only people alive who doesn’t mind waiting in line. There is something so comforting about queueing up, knowing that I will proceed to the front to will have my need fulfilled in some kind of orderly fashion. This does not […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Unfinished (with himself and with his relationships) We play a lot of board games as a family. From Codenames to Monopoly, Exploding Kittens to Ticket to Ride, we play even when there are other things that we would rather be doing on our own. The games, for us, are a momentary […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Capable (of love, of complexity, of listening) My wife and I had a fight in the Cleveland airport just after visiting my home town for the first time in the winter of 2002. We had been together for only a few months at that point, and after the fight I thought […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Open (to difference) School worked for me. It was a promise fulfilled. I got opportunity and financial security by playing the game of school with knowledge of and attention to all of the rules that were in place. It was easy because schools are built for people like me. They are […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Empathetic (beyond those who look and think like him) I think of empathy as a circle, within which by default are all of the people that I love. They are my family and friends. Most people expand this circle further to include all of the people we enjoyed going to school […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Trusted (to root out injustice wherever it is found). I do not face oppression in my daily life. As a married white straight-passing gainfully employed able-bodied cisgendered American man who was born into a two-parent household, both of whom held advanced degrees, I know that I won the lottery of privilege. […]
Written by Ben Wilkoff
The Detoxing Man is Connected (by shared experience, passion, and expression). I watched a lot of videos late at night during the COVID lockdowns of 2020. I did this on my own, coming to bed only after many hours of YouTube or TikTok. If time was meaningless during lockdown, then so too was I. I […]
