I drink or get high because I am not in touch with my emotions.
Most of the time I can only feel attached to them when some part of me has lowered inhibitions and lets me connect to what I’m feeling. It is also why it’s so hard to be sober, sometimes.
Not because I am feeling too much when I am sober and I’m trying to escape, but rather it is my attempt to feel my feelings and connect with myself. The problem becomes that I can’t always remember the feelings after they’ve happened while I’m inhibited so I feel like I can’t make the kind of progress that I want to make. But, I still want to connect to myself and I want to deeply understand who I am and what I truly desire, so I cling to my most lucid moments while under the influence.
I often think about the two different people that I am when I am both completely sober and completely inhibited. I try to be the person that I want to be completely sober, but sadness or lack of connection gets in the way. So, I let the other guy take over for a while and let him feel the things that I need to feel, going through life that feels too hard to cope with on my own.
I see “the other guy” as a friend, as someone who can hold onto the hard stuff. But the problem is that “the other guy” doesn’t talk back very well to the guy I am when I’m sober. The new things that my other self figures out are not always available to me when my sober self wakes up the next morning. At some point, these two guys need to get on the same page for me to move forward…
As Petey says, in Home Alone House, “I think my sanity’s dependent on my mind being limited.”